Edward Cullen is a Freak
by yarnybear
Summary: A vicious little romp that takes place in all of a day. Quite random, quite critical, and read at your own discretion.


**This is a stupid random story with basically no plot. Just like Twilight. ^__^**

**Disclaimer. I own nothing. **

So…I was late for class. The bus was late, and I'd had to run up to the building, and my feet were killing me. Getting up in the early AM after a few hour's sleep isn't so good for your health. I'd always conveniently forget that at midnight, and then regret it in the morning. I sighed, hefting my fake leather backpack. It looked a bit like and smelled quite a lot like a car seat.

I turned the corner of a building, going up the disabled kids' ramp to the door, instead of taking the quicker route up three steps.

As I power walked up, I heard a cough.

"_Ahem!"_

It was obviously fake, just meant to get a person's attention. Curious, I stopped, and winced as my heavy bag slammed against my hip, its swinging movement arrested by my sudden stillness. I spun on my heel.

It was a boy. Or close to a man really, with his height and square chin proclaiming him a few years beyond puberty. He had sickly pale skin, like he'd never gone outside or spent his whole life behind a computer screen. His lips were thin and reddened, like he'd pinched them or put on lipstick, using a tissue to blot most of it off. His arms were crossed, and he was leaning oh so casually against the brick wall.

"So, who're you?" I began, looking at my watch and the somewhat cloudy sky. "Why are you here?"

"I'm the new kid at this school," he remarked smoothly, following my gaze. His head tilted back as the clouds tumbled by and slow, slow motion. "I'd like to know where the office is. Can you, by any chance, help me?"

I laughed. "What are you, some kind of blind weirdo? The office is in the building a few yards away, with signs posted on every wall. And you must be having some sort of gender confusion, because this is a girls' school."

I pointed to my uniform blouse and plaid skirt, and at the uniforms of several stragglers who were also late.

"Uhh…" was all he managed to say, before I interrupted.

"Now, why don't you tell me your name before I get someone to escort you off campus," I said bossily, "I'm late for class, so hurry-"

I paused, and my eyebrows drew together. I looked him up and down, noticing his coppery red hair and strange yellow eyes. "Hey…" I murmured then I circled him, a frown forming on my face.

"I know you! You're that main character from the retarded book everyone's reading. I don't know why I didn't notice earlier. Must be because it's been years since I read it…" I trailed off, a bright gleam in my eyes.

One of his eyebrows jumped up, and a questioning look wandered across his striking features.

So this was the legendary Edward A. M. Cullen that everyone was going on about (this is a girl school, remember). His sparkly vampire perfect body stood right in front of me, all six feet 2 inches of him.

And so I did what any girl with a good mind for business would do – I made lemonade when life threw me some strawtermelons.

I stood completely still for a moment, then jumped into action. "You, Edward or whatever you want to call yourself, go past the mech-tech workshop and hide in the bushes over there. I'll come get you when the bell rings, and that'll be in about forty five minutes. Don't leave, don't be seen, and don't let the sun shine on you or those motorists will crash their cars basking in your perfection.

"Stay still! Pretend you're a rock or a statue. I know you can do it! Be back in a bit." I called, while walking away from him. Confusion was written across his face, but I was relieved as he finally got behind the bushes and arranged some fallen branches in front of the gaps.

**45 minutes later…**

The bell rang, and I wandered out of class, just slowly making my way to the bushes and making sure no one saw me.

"_Psst!_" I hissed to the nearest bush, "you can come out now!"

A pale white hand came out of the bush two yards away and waved. "I'm over here! Hang on…I have to get these branches out of the way."

Edward Cullen emerged out of the bushes, and brushed away a few stray leaves. His clothes were in remarkably good condition, without a wrinkle or a crease in sight.

"All right, freak, follow me." I ordered, then led him to the central quadrangle of the school. The school was built around the square, and it was used for physical education and recess breaks. Right now, since it was break time, there were lots of girls stuffing their faces with chips and cookies and sliced fruit. Some were catching up on forgotten homework or cramming for a test.

"Right," I said, then made him stand behind me. I got up on one of the picnic benches and started yelling. "GET YOUR PICTURES WITH EDWARD CULLEN!! ONLY FIVE BUCKS A SNAP!! COME ON, KIDS, IT'S A ONE TIME ONLY DEAL!!! WHEN WILL YOU BE ABLE TO DO THIS AGAIN?!"

That started quite a riot, but I managed to organize a line. Edward posed, the girls shrieked, and the money started rolling on. I did this over two recessed, and by the end of the school day, I had a pocket full of bank notes.

Edward followed me onto the bus, and I ignored him. A lot of the crazy Twilight addicts squealed when he even looked in their direction and then subsided into a fit of whispers and giggles. He signed their uniforms, their books, and even autographed their body parts with a silent distaste.

He got off at my stop, and started to trail me again.

I stopped. "Where do you think you're going, freak?"

He looked sheepish. "Uhmm…where ever you go, I think." He shrugged. "And by the way, why do you keep calling me 'Freak'?"

I laughed. It sounded more like a choking cough, but I didn't care. "You're a freak. A perversion of nature. I can treat you and call you whatever you want, because you're dead.

"Number one. You don't exist. If I slap you around and call you names, who's gonna penalize me? Can I even get in trouble for abusing something that doesn't even exist?

"Number two. You sparkle. How ridiculous is that? In my point of view, that's a valid reason to torment you. You're even a real vampire. You don't suck human blood-"

"B-but-" spluttered Edward, "I do drink blood!"

"Nah, you're a sissy and you just love to slaughter animals. You could just check into a hotel and syringe blood from the guests at night, I'm sure. You won't get in trouble and it won't even hurt them.

"Number three. You're a two dimensional Gary Stu cardboard cut-out of a character. You're not convincing, and sometimes I want to slap you because of your annoying crooked smile. Are you having a stroke or what?"

Edward shuffled his feet, and looked at me. His "butterscotch eyes" didn't hypnotize me at all, or make me go into a drooling trance. "I'm a real boy!" He declared and waved his arms around. By now my angry tirade had attracted a large group of curious onlookers.

"You're as real as this flaming harpoon in my hand right here," I proclaimed.

"Yeah…there's actually a flaming harpoon in your hand," commented someone in the audience.

"Oh darn!" I shrieked, then dropped the harpoon that was burning a metaphorical hole through my palm. "This must be some kind of weird alternate universe and reality's been stretched sideways. Maybe demons will cut a huge gap into the fabric of our reality and start climbing in my Hybras or whatever."

I rambled on and Edward stared.

**The End.**

**I hoped you liked it. Or not. Whatever, it's just some random little drabbly one shot that ends on a weird note. Thanks for reading, good for you, and see ya because I'm out.**


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